Hold my Hand?
by HeadSmashedInBuffaloJump
Summary: A one shot of all the times Dan wished he could have held Phil's hand.


"Phil! How could you be so careless?" Dan raised his voice. He stood with his fists clenched in the lounge. He could feel himself shaking as he tried to not raise his voice. The neighbors didn't need to hear this. "You know I'm not ready yet to come out yet!"

"It's not a big deal, Dan. I took care of it. I already took it down." Phil hadn't met his eyes all night since Dan found out that YouTube had accidently un-privated Phil's video. He was sat on the couch, his legs tucked under his chin, clutching at his arms so tightly the skin was turning white.

"Yeah but I'm sure someone's already downloaded it and posted it god knows where." Dan put his hands on his head and started pacing. Pacing usually helped. "God, Phil." His breath was coming quickly and he kept his eyes closed.

"Dan, I said I'm sorry and-"

"Sorry doesn't cut it. Not this time, Phil. I'm tired of cleaning up your messes! You're always being clumsy, breaking something, stealing my cereal, taking my socks, leaving messes everywhere-and now this? I can't believe you thought this was a good idea in the first place."

"Dan-"

"NO. Stop talking." Dan threw out a hand in Phil's direction. He was still staring at the floor, rocking back and forth on the couch. "You're just making it worse. You always make it wor-"

Phil stood up abruptly and looked at Dan with a new anger he had never seen in the older boy's eyes. An anger that he never wanted to see in him again. It just didn't suite him.

"I'm sorry that I wanted to do something nice for you. I'm sorry that nothing I ever do is up to your standards." Phil shoved his Dan on his shoulder, making him take a step back. He had a bit more power behind him when he was mad. "I'm so tired of hiding us from them. Eventually they are going to have to find out because I can't keep this up with you. I can't keep doing this with someone who is ashamed of us." And with that, Phil stormed past Dan, knocking him to the side again and ran to his room.

Dan stared at the floor in an unpleasant silence as he heard Phil's door slam shut with such force it made the painting on the wall shift to the right. Then Phil put on a Muse album on the loudest possible volume.

God, how could he let himself get so angry? He thought about when they first met, tangled in each other's arms. He just wanted Phil and him to be happy together for as long as possible. Dan didn't like that they were nearing the end of their 'long as possible'.

Dan retreated to his bedroom as well. On his way past Phil's room, he wanted more than anything to go in there and dance, like they used to. But he heard Phil's small hiccups and sobs so he thought better of it. He sat on the edge of his bed, with his head in his hands. He tried to block out his thoughts so he wouldn't feel as hollow as he knew he was.

He stayed that way, perched at the end of his bed, just listening to the muffled Muse between the walls. Once the music ended, he couldn't hear Phil's cries anymore. But he could hear his footsteps come closer to Dan's bedroom. There was a knock at the door but Dan didn't try and acknowledge it. Phil swung the door open, it started creaking on the hinges.

The bed dipped down and Dan could feel Phil's body next to his side, their legs touched awkwardly and Phil laid a hand on his knee. Dan stared at his slender fingers, tightening their grip on his skinny jeans. He was itching to cling onto Phil once again.

"Hold my hand?"

"No." Dan shook his head. "Not yet, I'm okay." The bed lifted and Phil's presence disappeared.

"I'm not."

The final box was loaded and this was probably the fifth walk through Phil had done of the flat.

"Shall we go one more time, together?" Phil asked as he returned to Dan who was standing in the hallway near the front door.

"Sure." Dan said and let Phil lead him through the all too familiar apartment. The breakfast bar where Dan would unload the groceries, trying his best to hid his cereal from Phil. The lounge where they had watched countless animes and where they played hours of video games. The patch of carpet where Dan had a few existential crisis's. The bathroom where he shoved a bottle of coke and Mentos under his shirt. The balcony with the view of Manchester, which was where sometimes Phil went after they fought.

Finally they reached their bedrooms, doors so close to each other. Phil went into his room and looked around. Dan thought about the sleepless nights he spent in here, trying to get as close to Phil as he could, feeling his warmth in the cold nights. But now everything was stripped off the walls, pulled out of the closet. It was weird to see the room without color. Although, with Phil standing in the middle of the hallway, it looked colorful enough.

Dan ducked into his room. It was weird to see it completely empty. The time he spent in here making videos, doing uni homework, or the times he blasted Muse for both him and Phil to listen to.

He thought about the times Phil would slowly knock on his door during a thunderstorm and crawl into bed beside Dan. He thought when he dragged Phil into his bed, gave him some cold medicine and a blanket while he played on his keyboard softly, slowly lulling him to sleep.

But he couldn't afford to feel nostalgic right now. They were off to a better start. Bigger, newer things. Even though Dan was hesitant, he was determined to build a better life for them in London.

Phil appeared at the threshold of Dan's room.

"You ready, Dan?"

He nodded and they both walked down the hallway, checking the coat closet one last time.

Phil stood next to Dan, looking down the hallway at the empty flat.

"Hold my hand?" Phil asked, leaning his head on Dan's shoulder.

"That can wait until London. I'm okay." Dan shrugged the request off and Phil took his head away, turning around to exit the flat.

"I'm not."

Dan had been dying to see Insidious ever since he saw the trailer on a YouTube video a few months ago. Of course, he was able to drag Phil with him. As usual they arrived late and had to sit on the side aisle.

Phil had snuffled half of the popcorn during the first ten minutes but Dan didn't say anything. It was quite cold in the theater and Phil was bundled in his captain space coat.

A few more minutes into the movie, it was getting intense and the entire audience had already jumped at five jump scares.

Phil leaned in closer to Dan and he could feel his breath on his neck.

"Hold my hand?" He asked.

"I'm not afraid yet." He silently chuckled and grabbed another handful of popcorn from Phil's lap. "I'm okay."

"I'm not."

Dan nervously bounced his leg up and down which made the entire cab slightly shake. He pretended not to notice Phil softly humming to himself and drumming his fingers against the seat. Dan watched as the buildings outside whizzed by, the dreary grey of London hanging overhead.

Their first radio show was today and it was going to be fine. It was going to go exactly like they planned and rehearsed. He couldn't sleep last night and his eyes stung from the drowsy feeling. His stomach felt empty because his cereal box was completely empty last night. He suspected a panicking Phil finished it off last night. He was going crazy with anxiety, knowing that with each intersection they were getting closer to the BBC, but he tried to play it cool and started absent mindedly fiddled with his phone, opening and closing apps randomly.

Phil shifted as the cab made a left turn.

"Hold my hand?" Phil asked in a quiet voice. Dan could tell he was trying to hide the shakiness in his voice.

"We're almost there." Dan said without looking at him. He desperately wanted to, but he had to keep his cool. "I'm okay."

"I'm not."

It was the first night of The Amazing Tour is Not on Fire and Dan was wringing his hands backstage. He could hear the faint constant noise of the fans out in the audience, taking their seats and chatting about two British dorks from the internet. He tried to rehearse the opening part in his head. He paced backstage in the dimly lit area, silently mumbling to himself and fixing his hair.

Phil walked up to him, but wouldn't meet his eyes.

"You excited Philly?" Dan put on a smile to show that he wasn't falling apart inside. The butterflies raced inside. He reached out and ruffled Phil's hair. The other man didn't make a move to fix it himself so Dan tried his best to brush out the black fringe so it laid nicely on his forehead.

"My stomach has been doing the flip floppy thing all day." Phil said. Dan knew he didn't do well in front of large crowds and it seemed like Phil was handling it so far, so that was good. "Hold my hand?" Phil asked him. He looked at him and even in the dark, his eyes seemed to shine brightly.

Dan scoffed nervously and clasped his hands together. They were clammy and shaking. He couldn't hold Phil's hand like this. "No, what if someone sees us? I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay." He repeated, as if repeating that would make it okay.

"I'm not."

Dan was practically bouncing with excitement. The only thing he wanted to do was take Phil back to their sad little apartment so he could brighten the place up a bit. He wanted nothing more to have Phil hold his hand but they couldn't do that yet. Not yet.

Phil flagged down a cab outside of the airport, and they both climbed into the back. Dan smiled at him and Phil giggled slightly. He asked him all about the plane ride back.

The taxi began weaving through London downtown traffic. A couple of times, Dan slid into Phil's side, and he felt the cushion of his body underneath him.

Dan glanced at Phil, who was scrolling through pictures on his phone, trying to find the picture of the squirrel that attacked him on holiday. He looked at the way Phil's fringe laid over his eyes and the way he smiled when he laughed, sharing a story about the crazy old man he had to sit next to. He was so thankful to have him home and he couldn't wait to get him in his bed again.

He was thinking of all the ways he was going to kiss Phil when the cabbie shrieked. Dan clutched onto Phil's red jacket and tried to hold onto more of Phil when the other car collided, spinning them out of control.

Everything went black for a moment, and when he came to, the only thing he could smell was burnt rubber on asphalt. Someone was screaming and calling for 999.

"Phil…" He croaked. A sharp pain in his shoulder was spreading up to his neck, making it painful to move his head in either direction. A dull throb was pressing on the inside of his head as he tried to open his eyes. Everything was so blurry and the only thing he could see was the roof of the taxi. Something trickled into the corner of his left eye and it stung. He felt it roll down to his lips and tasted the metallic tang of blood.

"Phil, where are you?" He tried again and felt something move on his leg. It must have been Phil, who, he guessed, was splayed out on top of him. He felt a hand grip weakly onto his thigh and another hand moved up to his stomach, clutching onto his shirt.

"Hold my hand? Please, Dan." He felt slow, hot breath near his hip. Phil coughed, and it moved Dan's shoulder which made paid shoot up and down his spine. He hissed through his teeth, but tried to reach out to Phil. More pain that came from deep in his bones. His arm was probably broken and it hung limply over his chest. Phil rasped and Dan felt liquid ooze through his jeans.

"Phil!? Are you okay? I'm okay, Phil can you hear me?"

"Hold my hand?" He repeated, sounding so weak, but Dan couldn't see him. This can't be happening. This can't be happening.

"Phil, where are you?" He tried again, grasping at the air. "Are you okay? I'm okay."

"I'm not."

 **A/N:** **Disclaimer: I do not own Danisnotonfire or AmazingPhil. I would appreciate if this content was not spread onto a place where they could read it. I respect them and it is not my wish to make them feel uncomfortable in anyway. Anyways, I haven't written in forever so let me know how I did? Have a good day:D**


End file.
